That’s right: Cake. With mustard.

Smoking can dull—or kill—your taste buds by changing the blood supply your taste buds are getting.

By now, most people know cigarettes can do a lot of damage — to the environment, to pets, and then there’s the lung cancer thing everyone knows about we probably can’t mention enough.

But they can also affect how smokers taste pizza. And cake. And potatoes. And salad. And chicken. Tacos. Fish. Apples. Peanut butter. Bacon. Slaw. Granola bars. Lemonade. And did we mention PIZZA?!?! Just look at that dull lil taste bud. He doesn’t even realize what he’s missing.

So if you’ve completely ruined your ability to pick up the delicious nuances of homemade salted caramel frosting, or even vanilla frosting from a can, let’s just save everyone some time and slap some mustard on instead. Besides, that yellow hue looks kind of pretty. Maybe? Sure.

So! We created some recipes. Exclusively for smokers. Because if they can’t fully enjoy the taste of grandma’s lime gelatin with fruit, they might as well try ours. It’s got cooked shrimp and capers. Or that mustard cake — it looks better than it tastes, unless they can’t really taste anything. In which case, it doesn’t matter and it’s fine. We also went ahead and frosted a peeled melon with sour cream and garnished it with tomatoes and a fish. We have no idea why, but it looks nice.

Download them below. We absolutely don’t suggest actually eating them, gifting them to anyone or using them as anything but a potent reminder of the immediate damage cigarettes can do. What we *do* suggest? Eating your favorite food and enjoying every single bite of that slice of pizza. Because you can.

Chocolate Cake with Mustard Frosting:


Lime Gelatin with Shrimp:


Sour Cream Melon with Absurd Fish: